Back to the Beginning

Life has been happening. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this way. A few nights ago a good friend and I sat over steaming plates of cheesy mexican food and talked. We reminisced over what difficult meant when we were teenagers. We giggled over the idea that, "I really like him but I'm not sure if he likes me back," seemed so complicated. Listen I'm not trying to discount those feelings all you youngsters. They are real. But there we were, a couple of moms with some really complex things going on in life...
divorce...
       cancer...
             autism...
                   career changes...
Life has been happening, and if you couldn't tell I don't mean that in a good way. But that's not really the end, and let me assure you, this dinner date was filled with joy and laughter. It's just that I've been stewing. In these seasons of life, I seek hope. So many of us do, and it's right to do so. Over these last few weeks my world has been rocked and I find myself finding hope in the beginning. You might be thinking, "The beginning Amber? Really that's pretty vague." Listen people! I'm trying to be poetic here and that's a reach for me. Just bear with me.

I'm going to get all Jesusy on you. Yeah I know that's not a word. For those of you who are normally put off by bible jargon please keep reading, because there is something you need to hear in this. Okay, our church has started a new bible reading program. We've started in Genesis. I will stretch and say most people are familiar with Genesis, at least the beginning. It's the story of creation. Quite honestly I've probably read the first few chapters tens if not a hundred times. I don't say that to sound pious. I just need you to know that all this time, I was missing something.

In genesis, there is is this powerful picture painted with words about how God existed before anything. Okay...weird but lets move on. The author goes on to describe how God creates the heavens, the light, the earth, the water, the sky, etc. Each time he makes something, he speaks it into existence.

Genesis 1:3 "Then God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. (NIV)

Beyond that, after speaking most of his creations into existence, God commends his own work. He calls his own work good.

Genesis 1:17-18 God set these lights in the sky to light the earth, to govern the day and night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. (NIV)

And then it starts getting really good. I mean it gets really really good people. Lastly God creates man (or human), but he does it differently. He doesn't speak man into existence. He shapes man. He forms him from the dust. And then he does another thing differently. He breathes HIS BREATH into man. Do you see how differently this looks? Can you see the care he takes with people?

Genesis 2:7 Then the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man's nostrils, and the man became a living person. (NIV)

And if this isn't enough, do you know what God says after he creates man? Suddenly it goes from good, to very good. See?! I told you. Really good right?

Genesis 1:31 Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! (NIV)

It's clear that God cares for us differently (I would argue more) than the rest of creation. And then sin entered in. But that doesn't seem to change God's meticulous, carefree, passionate love for us. Over and over again you see God's intimacy with the people that he created.

Ephesian 1:4-5 Long ago, even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. And this gave him great pleasure. (NLT)

Psalm 139:13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. (NIV)

Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you appart... (NIV)

I can go on. There are plenty of examples. So what does all this have to do with life happening? Because life is happening, and it hurts a lot sometimes. Maybe you have this friend who you thought was the only person you could trust, and then suddenly you can't anymore. You feel betrayed, hurt, alone. Maybe you had this precious life growing inside of you. You were imagining and planning a future for your child, your perfect baby. Suddenly all you have left is emptiness when you find there is no more life inside you. Maybe you are getting older. As you age all the people you love and care about are getting sick, withering away, dying before your eyes. All you are left with is loneliness. Maybe you are a college student, entering a new season in your life. It's supposed to be exciting, new, and fresh. Instead it's terrifying, anxiety ridden, and isolating. Maybe you made the decision a long time ago to put a needle in your arm. Now it's a life style. Now that needle dictates your every move.

Whatever "life happening" looks like for you, I ask that you go back to the beginning. GOD DESPERATELY LOVES YOU. He loves you in a way that is so much bigger, so much better, so much more powerful than anyone can fathom. Does this love keep life from happening? No. But this love can overcome. It can overcome, loneliness, addiction, anxiety, depression, fear, emptiness, and yes even death. This is hope people, and it's more than enough.

I Have A Confession

It's been a while since I've blogged. A lot has been keeping me busy lately. My sister just had a baby. I attended a mommy conference at church. I'm preparing to host a large Thanksgiving at our house this year. Those are just a few of the fabulous things that have been keeping me busy. There have been some not so fabulous things holding my attention as well though. We've recently all been sick. We've had several friends and loved ones around us get upsetting news. Possibly the most trying though, are our recent trials with our oldest, Elijah.

The sweet smile of Elijah

Elijah, as many of you may know, has been diagnosed with high functioning autism. In light of recent happenings, I've felt very convicted to write on a specific topic concerning this diagnosis. I have a confession to make. It's one not many parents of an autistic child are willing to admit. But here goes...before I had an autistic child, I had many opinions about autism. Here are some of the things I thought. It must be bad parenting. It's soo over-diagnosed. The mom probably did drugs while pregnant. That child isn't actually autistic, it's just an excuse so the parents can explain away bad behavior. I'm sure I thought other things as well. These are just some that come to mind.

Me and my boy

I tell you this so you know that I understand if you have these thoughts about my son. Let me be firm about something though, none of those things are true. Sure they may be in some cases, but those are the minority, NOT the majority. My point here is not to complain. I want to inform.

Lets look at this from a parenting perspective. If you are a parent, do you ever feel any of the following things: judged, overwhelmed, incompetent, sad, unprepared, failure? I thought so. Now think of the face of a friend affirming those things. Terrible, right? Well I have a little boy who is wonderful, but I've had to come to the grueling decision to admit that something is different about him. In doing so I've had several professionals agree with my decision and say, "Yes, your little guy is not neurotypical. Something is different about him."

Typical Elijah. Most kids his age are scared of the dark or monsters, but not him. He's scared of a space storm.

Okay here's the bulk of what I'm trying to convey here. When you tell me you don't think my son actually has autism, it isn't just your opinion and it isn't a compliment. You are insulting my parenting. You are telling me I don't know my son like you do. You are passing judgement on me. You are calling me a failure. You are telling me that I'm doing something wrong. I know you don't intend any of this, but that's what it sounds like from my end.

Here is the thing, I forgive you. I know you don't get it like I do. You don't spend every waking moment with this beautiful, complex, emotional, sweet, and yes difficult little boy. I do. I know him. I know he has autism. That doesn't define him, but it is part of him. Please know that we need your love and support. Your friendships (even if you say all the wrong things) and the joy of God are what keep us going in the dark days. I'm just pleading with you, think before you speak. :)

Just keep swimming.

I realize this post is particularly harsh sounding coming from me. My prayer is that it will be received the way I intended it to be received. My heart breaks when I hear these things. I write from brokenness and desperation, not from a place of anger. My struggle is not mine alone either. If you know a parent of an autistic child, love them and support them with words that reflect love and support. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Also to all my amazing friends and family, thank you for being willing to learn with me how to lift me up when I need your support. You will never know how grateful I am.